Why relatives climb into personal life
The French writer Etienne Rey wrote that a family is a group of people who are connected by ties of blood and quarrel over money issues. However, not only money issues quarrel, but also a clash of different views on life. At the same time, at any opportunity, some relatives justify their destructive actions by the fact that they are still relatives and that they can be forgiven for everything.
Modern psychology dot the “i”. There are limits beyond which no one is allowed to go. And relatives climb into their personal lives for various reasons. The starting point is “eggs don’t teach chicken.” And nothing that the “chickens” hatched long ago and created their own families. Also, many relatives teach the younger generation because of dissatisfaction with their own lives, because of the desire to feel their need.
How to stop thinking about a person
Most relatives who have not had time to arrange their personal lives are very fond of giving advice. How to react to this? No one knows better than the person himself how to dress, where to work, whom to meet, where to spend money. All action algorithms are built on the basis of personal experience, from our own miscalculations or hits on the bull’s-eye. Like it or not, but the past generation will always lag behind modern realities, trends, changes in ethics at least a little. Today, this gap has narrowed, but the rule remains.
If a person needs advice on a specific issue, such as “how to make a deal”, “to sign or not to sign an agreement”, “where to get a loan”, “how to sell/buy real estate”, then it is better to contact a specialized specialist. This applies to both health and nutrition issues. An exception to the rule is if a part-time relative is a specialized specialist himself. But even in this case, kinship brings a touch of subjectivity. The simplest option is to stop thinking of a relative as a person who understands this or that field until the opposite is proven.
How to Raise a Boy, a Girl, or Multiple Children
It’s one thing to send a daughter or son to their grandmother for the weekend, it’s another thing to completely shift the burden of upbringing onto the older generation. Some do so, guided by a lack of time, effort, experience. In this case, you need to ask yourself the question: “And my relationship with my parents, were they generally ideal? But this psychotrauma – isn’t it their merit?”
There is a risk that grandparents will make the same mistakes when raising their grandchildren as when raising their own children. Even if the older generation is adequate, it will not replace the children of their own parents. In the end, it is the parents who give a start in life, and grandparents, ideally, brighten up this process. Modern psychologists do not recommend that parents send their children to grandparents for all summer holidays. Three months is a very long time, during this time the child is very easy to reconfigure, which will create problems in communication between children and parents. It is possible that in a more patriarchal society the “grandmother-grandchildren” model justified itself, but the world has changed a lot.
How to get a job
The authoritative psychologist Albert Bandura once concluded that many destinies are broken only because at some point a child allowed his parents to interfere in his professional life. Parents tend to project their own fears, ideas about the world and expectations onto their children. If these are adequate parents, they are aware of this, but, as practice shows, this rarely happens. Most complexes originate in the parental home. “You can’t,” “It’s not yours,” “You can’t,” “You’d better follow in my footsteps.”
But these are all judgments to which one rule can be opposed. The Ten Thousand Hours of Practice Rule. A person can master any area to which he has a soul, if he makes every effort. Parents, as a rule, observe only the first professional steps of their children and often make incorrect far-reaching conclusions. Psychologists recommend carefully giving advice on employment and finding out in advance what children want to do.
Lending is like giving pills to newborns.
What, from the point of view of psychologists, are good relations not with relatives? No one owes anything to anyone unless they have taken on any legal obligations.
It’s more difficult with relatives. Sometimes they use leverage: “Do you remember I helped you?” or “You owe me because I babysat your son.” Let’s be frank: the “you give me – I tell you” model is far from the best in the world when it comes to relatives. This does not mean that you should not help relatives or refuse their help in difficult times. But there is no need to make a barter out of this. Remembering the “favors” done without much difficulty is a dead end. And you need to be reminded of this carefully, as if you are not treating an adult, but a newborn who needs to be given medicine: persuasion and a soft tone will help.
At the same time, the help of relatives should be refused if it is not urgently needed. Otherwise, you can get very confused, and even be known as an “ungrateful son.” It’s simple: you need help, but no barter.
How to avoid stress
A person spends a lot of energy on building a comfortable life, in order, as they say, to get on his feet. At the same time, stressors attack from everywhere. An alarming news item. Relations with superiors. financial obligations. Anxiety for the future of children. Even at the dawn of his career, the famous researcher Philip Zimbardo, known for conducting the Stanford experiment, suggested that relatives like to complain about their lives not in order to solve a problem, but simply to whine. Some people like to share the negative news they have gleaned from TV. This is how passive aggression manifests itself.
Active aggression lies in the unwillingness to understand that children have their own problems and their own lives, in their unwillingness to accept their way of life, in an effort to impose their point of view by the right of seniority. And here it is very important to outline the boundaries, to explain to a relative that he is dear and loved, but no one will adapt to his “Wishlist”.
According to some data, about 28% of young Russians live with relatives. Living under the same roof with relatives, it is very difficult to bend your line, ideally it is better to move out to rented housing. In any case, in order to defend your position, you need to gain financial independence. Because everything else is a field of psychology. And there is an unwritten rule for everyone: respect personal boundaries, whoever you are.
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